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~Silvernyte Rhuka~

[ website | The Toranpu: A Black Cat Fansite ]
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[27 Jan 2012|03:49am]
[ mood | drained ]

sometimes I wish there was someone in my life who could make me believe things are going to get better...

8 bullets shot | pull the trigger?

[18 Nov 2011|01:00am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I can't freakin' believe it.

today I spent some time with my oldest niece and we stopped downtown to pick up some sushi and bubble tea. getting the sushi I parked in a handicapped spot seconds after someone parked two spaces away. while my niece was getting the handicapped tag from the glove compartment for me the guy who just parked two spaces away walks over to my side, knocks on my window, and flips open his wallet showing a badge.

he was checking to make sure I wasn't parking in a handicapped spot without a permit and was full ready to tell me off for it, he was even surprised when I finished hanging it on the rear view mirror before rolling the window down.

he had seen me with my oldest niece, and I regularly get mistaken for being around the same age she is, and made the assumption I probably didn't have a disability that would get me a handicapped tag. do you think he would have done the same to someone who didn't look like a college student? no, because people assume older people who park in handicapped spots need to use them, because it's assumed that disabilities are things that come with age. too many people see someone who is young or looks young and has a disability and decide it can't be a real disability because of the idea that youth and good health go together.

I do appreciate the fact that the guy takes his job seriously, but I don't appreciate the double standard that caused him to automatically decide to be prepared to get confrontational about where I parked.

pull the trigger?

fml [02 Nov 2011|09:42am]
[ mood | crushed ]

so... my oldest dog, Ash, was having some sinus issues that antibiotics didn't clear up. he had an x-ray today and the vet says he's got a tumor in his sinus and it's most likely cancerous. it's unsure how long he has left, it all depends on how fast it grows and how it spreads...

so... in barely over a year I lost my job, lost my mom, my fibromyalgia is getting worse, I've got arthritis in yet another joint, and now I find out my dog is dying...

1 bullet shot | pull the trigger?

[13 Oct 2011|12:26am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I hate it when this happens... I'm just doing something I'd normally do and all of a sudden something just makes me start crying and I just can't fuckin' stop. the grief, the loneliness, just make me want to curl up and hide inside my head, forget everything... it just gets so hard to cope with everything sometimes, especially when you're trying to keep some people from worrying overmuch about things that can't be changed... sometimes it just hurts too damn much...

pull the trigger?

it's time for some Good News/Bad News... [10 Oct 2011|07:19pm]
well, you know how things go sometimes, some things start working out wonderfully while others just kind of turn into a pile of crap.

in the good side of things, one of my Blue Exorcist fanfics has done well enough I've expanded on it and gotten a second chapter out for it and at least one more chapter in the works.

I also attended a friend's pre-handfasting party the other day and she set me up with a dose of something that's got my fibro pain WAY down, I swear it works better than the lyrica ever did and the best part is this one dose may keep my fibro pain minimal for a whole week.

on the down side this means I can tell where my arthritis aches are even more and I've discovered what I thought was the fibromyalgia making the pain from the arthritis in my one hip radiate down my whole leg is actually me getting arthritis in one ankle and the pain from that and the hip radiating outward to my knee as well (but with my fibro pain in check I at least don't have the pain radiating out right now). this makes me feel like I'm freakin' getting ancient, since now I'm even getting issues with my ankles, the one spot in the past I've NEVER had issues with before.

I'm still feeling a bit emotionally crappy over various things, too. I just wish things would start getting better soon. I need a job, I need to get back on my meds, I need to drag myself out of this mire of doubts and depression... and it just seems like it's something that's almost impossible sometimes.
pull the trigger?

[07 Oct 2011|04:12am]
I feel old. my youngest niece just turned 14 the other day. also, I found her account... and she's already writing slashfics. what does it say about my family that my reaction to that was to read them and be impressed at how well she wrote them rather than go WTF over the fact she's already writing slash (especially when her earliest fics on there date to shortly after she turned 13)? and the fact one of her fics mocks the more unsavory types of fangirls out there has me feeling positively proud of her.

and I've gotten some block on my main writing project again. I've got another chapter or two in works for my latest Blue Exorcist fanfic in progress, tho, since while trying to brainstorm on other things an idea for that came up. it's also turning out to be popular enough I was considering writing a follow up for it anyway. I do enjoy writing WAFFy fanfics, and the whole RinShiemi thing makes for perfect WAFF. writing WAFFy stuff helps my mood, too, so that's a big help to dealing with everything.
2 bullets shot | pull the trigger?

[26 Sep 2011|04:44pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

day before my birthday.

dad's all piss piss, moan moan.

getting chewed out because he moved some of my stuff into odd places because he didn't like where I was storing it, even if he was the one who told me it was okay to store it there.

and of course it's my fault the stuff is where he doesn't want it, even if he moved it there or told me to store it there to begin with. and I'm irresponsible and childish according to him because of how those things are where he suddenly doesn't want them (even if I stored them there because he insisted that was the best place for them).

and he broke some of my shells and fragile stones throwing a little shit fit over me telling him those HAD been stored exactly where he wanted them to be.

I do not need to spend an hour being told I'm worthless, lazy, immature, childish, hopeless and all that crappy stuff when I'm already feeling a little down in the dumps to begin with (and sore, gods my hip hurt like fuckin' hell this morning).

pull the trigger?

[20 Sep 2011|07:38pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I honestly am waiting on pins and needles for next week...

not because of my birthday (I doubt anyone offline outside my friend Crash will remember it anyway), but because Sunday the last ep of Blue Exorcist airs. and then on the day after my birthday the second Blue Exorcist OST comes out, which means I'll be able to download it soon then~

I swear I have completely fixated on this series...

pull the trigger?

[13 Sep 2011|05:52pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

sometimes I completely and totally adore my nieces. okay, so I always adore them, but sometimes MUCH more than others. and it's so nice getting to be the cool aunt (even if by most people's standards I'm more dorky than cool, but I come from a family with geek genes so that's all cool for them).

I have gotten my nieces hooked on Blue Exorcist enough that we are all hyped up at getting a Blue Exorcist group cosplay ready by JAFAX. I'm also getting two more of the Blue Exorcist Half Age figures thanks to my oldest niece, since I found someone selling 4 of them for what came out to just over $10 per figure and two of them I already had. I went on Tumblr to ask my oldest niece if she'd buy the duplicates from me and she was all "YES!!!!!!!!!" which put it in the area of "stuff I can afford."

also, while I was up north on Friday and Saturday I got to marathon watch eps 12-21 of Blue Exorcist with my two youngest nieces (who have been without internet for a while and thus fell behind on it) and was treated with some lolness on Saturday when my youngest niece was playing a fighting game on their Xbox 360. the character she was up against started powering up for a special move, getting all glowy and crap, when she puts the smackdown on him, interrupting him and KOing him in one smooth attack. after my middle niece made a comment about interrupting his attack my youngest niece said "yep, I'm just like Angel. I like to rain on people's parade and keep them from pulling off their awesome moves."

that said, my friend Crash was asking about the book I wanted for my birthday today. I still find it amazing its finally coming out, but it's been so long since I've read the first two I'll have to reread them before I start it.

also, I'm really hoping someone besides just Crash remembers my birthday. I don't expect my dad to, since mom always had to remind him. it would be nice if he finally fixed or replaced my good headphones by then, tho. these cheap ones have good sound, but they're giving my ears blisters because they fit like crap. I guess it's just that I've always had issues with people forgetting my birthday (especially when they could almost always remember it was the beginning of September when my older sister died, but kept forgetting my birthday was at the end of the month) and now without mom around it just feels like it's going to be even more forgotten than before. and just reminding myself that in two weeks I'll be celebrating my birthday for the first time without my mom around really hurts...

pull the trigger?

[06 Sep 2011|04:17am]
[ mood | depressed ]

terrible, TERRIBLE cramps... got drunk while waiting for painkillers to kick in... watched Beast Player Erin as well... watched eps 6-8... BAWLING LIKE A BABY... OMG THIS IS SO SAD~~~~~ POOR LITTLE ERIN~~~~~~~~~~ OMG I MISS MY MOM SO BAD NOW~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pull the trigger?

[02 Sep 2011|02:23am]
things have been hard the last several days.

I've been having serious issues with my right leg, the arthritis in my right hip has been acting up badly enough it's shooting all the way down and up my back as well. on top of that I've been having anywhere from one to four panic attacks a day. the overwhelming anxiety levels are really starting to get to me. I have to put up with my dad's obliviousness, my aunt's attempts at being helpful, Crash complaining I'm staying home too much (I have only a week's worth of vicodin left and about the same amount of relafen and can't get more until after I get a job and can afford to see my doctor again), I'm still having crap luck finding a new job, my fibromyalgia is getting worse, and it's fuckin' September - in just a matter of days it will be the 31st anniversary of my older sister's death and it will be my first birthday without my mom around. a birthday I expect to be very lonely, what with most of my relatives forgetting it, my dad being the type to completely forget birthdays without constant reminders, and hardly any friends living in town anymore. mom always at least made sure I was taken out to eat somewhere nice and sometimes even let me pick out a book or DVD she'd get me, too.

on the good side I've been able to get into reading again, I've finished the latest Dresden Files novel even if I did finish it a bit slow for how I usually read, and I'm almost done with the fourth Spice & Wolf novel. I also have what is possibly the best cat in the world, as Buddha seems to pick up when I'm having a panic attack and gets on my lap purring and begging for scritches almost every time. he's also been sticking pretty close to me in general lately, more than he normally does.

unfortunately despite the bit of progress I've been making I feel like I'm taking far more steps back than forward and that little voice telling me to "just hide how you feel and don't bother anyone, you don't want to be too much trouble to anyone" is back with a vengeance. it seems every time I get depressed enough it just starts getting louder and louder and I start using my "hide myself in geeky shit I fangirl over" coping method (I've been immersing myself in the Blue Exorcist fandom on some sections of the interwebs, working on some Blue Exorcist related writing projects, and I started a new game of Suikoden II, one of my favorite RPGs EVAR). yeah, I know it's not healthy and it makes me even more isolated and depressed, but considering that's pretty much how I managed to make it thru every single year of public school from 2nd grade until I switched to assisted home schooling in 11th it's kind of an ingrained behavior pattern for me. (while I'm at it I can blame public school for giving me that "you're not worth troubling people with your concerns and worries so just shut up and bear with it" headvoice - there's a really good reason I call my time in public school my time in Hell.)
pull the trigger?

wow... my first fanfic in years... [27 Aug 2011|09:52pm]
Title: Familiarity
Rating: G
Pairing: hints of Rin/Shiemi
Genre: general drabble
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: I do not own Blue Exorcist.
Summary: based on a dream I had, hypothetical post series setting: The final battle had been waged, but Rin was still missing. Will their ploy to get him back work?

click for ficCollapse )
pull the trigger?

[24 Aug 2011|10:54pm]
well, I got a small icon batch made and ready to share~

Blue Exorcist icons behind this cut~Collapse )

please credit me if you use any
1 bullet shot | pull the trigger?

[24 Aug 2011|12:58am]
so, I started trying out making some LJ icons today, I was hoping to distract myself from how I was feeling and I know that worked to help me relax back when I was regularly making batches of them. unfortunately that doesn't seem to work as effectively as it did in the past (not to mention it's a pain in the butt to make animated icons with what I'm using compared to using what I use to use, it doesn't resize as well as the program on my old desktop did).

it just hit me really hard today, a level of grief so bad it made me feel sick to my stomach and ache all over. I really, really miss my mom, having her around... it seems unreal that in just over a month I'll be celebrating my birthday without her around...

sometimes it's just so hard to take...
4 bullets shot | pull the trigger?

[20 Aug 2011|02:16am]
[ mood | happy ]

for once I feel there's something good in my life. I'm just so happy over what my oldest niece told me last night. my oldest niece found herself a girlfriend~ gyaa~ I'm so happy for her~

1 bullet shot | pull the trigger?

[15 Aug 2011|01:20am]
I uploaded a new icon... since that amused me and I couldn't do much today since my knee decided it didn't want to hold up my weight. I figured since that scene from the new ep of Blue Exorcist amused me I may as well practice making animated gifs with GIMP using screengrabs from that.

I really need to get back to making LJ icons... that use to relax me a lot. I've got raws of all the eps out so far of Blue Exorcist, too, so I've got plenty of icon fodder.
pull the trigger?

[07 Aug 2011|09:32pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Frustration is...

waiting a whole week for a new anime ep, expecting an epic battle based on what happened at the end of the previous ep...

then seeing the battle turn out to be anticlimactic and over before the OP theme starts...


pull the trigger?

[03 Aug 2011|12:49am]
[ mood | lonely ]

there's just something about writing about things that interest me that relax me. even if some of the physical materials I'd have to reference stuff bring back memories.

I've started on an essay on how some mythic themes relate into Blue Exorcist and found that most of the mythology books in my house my mom had scribbled notes in and underlined passages in. I think I may look up some digital versions of some of them, just to make it a bit easier to use those sources.

pull the trigger?

chat WTF moment [01 Aug 2011|02:42am]
[ mood | amused ]

* Unknown5 wild UNKNOWN has appeared
* Unknown5 wild UNKNOWN has fled
* Unknown5 (*****************) Quit (Quit: Unknown5)
< Hyratel> o.O?
< Enigma_> WTF?
< Hyratel> errrrrr
< Weazul> ....

pull the trigger?

6 Months... [29 Jul 2011|12:36am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

that flares up under certain conditions. except I'm use to that physical pain, but not to this emotional pain, not at this level.

I'd like to think I'm coping with things well enough, but the truth of it is I often feel the need to hide it. today, when I first started feeling it hard dad was nearby and I automatically felt the need to hold it in, so not to worry him if he realized what day today was or remind him if he didn't. I've always been the type of person who feels things deeply, but never wants to worry or embarrass people so holds stuff back and often stumbles over how to express things. it's only right now, while dad's in bed and I'm alone with the critters I feel it's okay for me to let loose and cry a bit. it's kind of a paradox, it's hard for me to express something this deep around others, but dealing with it alone is also hard and lonely.

there's been so many things reminding me of mom. I'd been trying to get her to read the Dresden Files novels for a while and the newest one just came out, Adult Swim started airing Durarara which mom and I had been planning to watch together on the day after she died, I finally got around to getting the latest Sonata Arctica album only to find it had a song inspired by the X-Files, which my mom loved, I started listening to a symphonic metal group someone recommended to me and found out they did a cover of Memory from Cats which was one of my mom's favorite songs from it... it's always something there, reminding me there's this hole in my life. I may laugh and joke, but it's almost compulsory, desperate, exaggerated sometimes, like if I don't I'm just going to be this huge pile of ache. and I know the only thing I can do is endure and eventually get use to it.

I stand in darkness; I wait for the moonrise -
When will I feel that gentle light?

pull the trigger?

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